Sex/Image/Awareness: A Conversation with a Vassar Burlesque Member
BY THAO WILLIAMS
I recently wrote a piece for Contrast’s SS20 issue on Sex/Image/Awareness. This phrase represented my discovery of agency over my image and my empowerment post-sexual violence and abuse. I reclaimed these elements of myself and proudly display my survivorship and growth through exploring clothing and makeup once again. In dressing for myself and taking selfies, including some more provocative photos, I discovered the act of being loving and gentle towards my mind and body. Writing the article unearthed a new sense of curiosity. I wondered how others manifested their sense of pride and joy within their image and sexuality.
At Vassar, I became aware of the student-org Burlesque through a close friend. Burlesque is a sex-positive and body-positive space for creativity and interpretation, as well as nurture and empowerment. In the following anonymous interview with a Burlesque member, we explored how Burlesque contributed to their personal development.
Editor’s note: In the interview TW indicates Thao Williams and A indicates the Vassar Burlesque member who has asked remain to anonymous.
TW: If you’re comfortable sharing, what was your relationship with your body and image like in the past? Are their things that contributed to or amplified how you felt?
A: Basically if there is anything weird you can do with food I have done it. My mom has been very active in various disordered eating behaviors my entire life and has projected all of those onto me for as long as I can remember. Since the age of 13 I’ve been 20 pounds underweight, gained 45 pounds, and yo-yoed between more times than I can count. I cannot begin to quantify the hours I’ve wasted crying over the shape of my thighs or convincing myself that everybody in my life only likes me because I am thin. To add to this all, I was in an abusive relationship in which I was pressured to maintain a certain (literally impossible) body standard. I ended that relationship 3 years ago, and have been in therapy specifically for ED (eating disorder) for almost 2 years. I am just now beginning to accept my natural body shape (not underweight), disengage from disordered eating behaviors (even now at home with my parents during quarantine), and see improvement in my BDD (body dysmorphia disorder).
TW: What drew you to joining burlesque? How or why did you join?
A: I was already in the midst of a big shift in my campus involvement when I joined burlesque. I had recently quit an org that I was very very involved in but that no longer resonated with my self-expression. I felt that others saw me only as that org, my connection to that org felt just as restrictive as the standards I and others had previously set for my body. I had also come up on a year and a half since ending a shitty relationship, and after avoiding sex and romance (for fear of being assaulted again) I was looking for ways to actively engage with my own sexuality, sexual expression, and body positivity. Quitting that org freed up 10-12 hours a week in my time, and a new friend in my circle spoke so fondly of Burlesque that I decided to interview.
TW: Do you think burlesque has changed the way you perceive body image/ beauty standards/ sexuality for you or others?
A: Absolutely. I grew up in a household where impossible body ideals reigned, and companies who started to include images of non-photoshopped models (Dove, Aerie, etc) were scoffed at. Joining Burlesque and seeing bodies of all shapes being equally celebrated was essential to my recovery. It de-shamed normal bodies, something that still sounds ridiculous to say but that is necessary in the world we live in.
I also grew up in a very Catholic household where any story about somebody with a not-cis/het identity needed to be stated as an obligatory preface. I am bisexual, but could never even consider that at home. Coming to Vassar was such a refreshing shift away from Catholic cis/heteronormativity, and immersing myself in this close-knit commmunity where we had very transparent, open and vulnerable conversations about sex and sexuality was key for my healing.
TW: What rituals do you have that feel empowering (burlesque related or not)?
A: My exercise routine is something that I have reclaimed from ED, I use gym time and runs/bike rides as me-time. It’s meditative and a reminder of my physical strength and my ability to surpass self-imposed limits.
I also write incessantly - both in my journal and spoken word poetry - as an active reclamation of the narrative surrounding my body and my expressions of it.
TW: What would you say to someone thinking about joining burlesque?
A: DO IT! Go for it. There is nothing to lose. It’s the most supportive, loving, nurturing, empowering, badass community I have been part of on Vassar’s campus. And I’ve met some of my best friends here. The weekly meetings are such a space of growth and healing and joy, as are the shows, but there is never any pressure on that front! Burlesque also meets you where you’re at -- you, your need, your safety and comfort matter. You do not have to perform ever if you do not want to, you can join a routine and go to rehearsals but then decide at the very last minute that you do not feel like performing, you can be in a routine where you don’t strip, and there are so many ways to contribute to a show besides performing.